Wednesday, July 19, 2017

100 days of 100 words, day 32: the truth will set you free

The Truth Will Set You Free

I've had a lot of tough conversations with my kids.  I'm sure there will be many more.  This one was tough.  I had to confront one boy about lying.  There was no question that he was lying about taking something of his brother's.  We asked him to tell the truth and he fudged around but finally admitted that he was embarrassed and had lied.

I want him to know that telling the truth will make him feel better.  Admit that you made a mistake, made a selfish choice, and then let it go.  Don't carry that shame.  Set it down and move on.

1 comment:

  1. Nice.

    The lying "I" did when I was young was forged from relationships with my parents in which I didn't trust them, and I would lie to save myself from their "unpredictable consequences."

    Had my parents been healthy, had they had "predictable consequences" in place as follow up to situations where I had lied, I would not have felt as afraid to tell the truth, nor would I have felt I needed to protect myself from the unpredictable consequences.

    NB: have predictable consequences, not random ones.

    Their "unpredictable consequences" helped foster my lies. They never understood that. They couldn't see that. They didn't know how to steer the conversations. They didn't know how to lighten up.*

    "Predictable consequences," had they had them in place, would have fostered healthy discussion and healthy lessons learned, plus they would have lain the groundwork for a child's healthier self-esteem, sense of right and wrong, and even integrity.

    Were my parents to have had trustworthy relationships with me, I think I would have been more willing to take my lickin's and eat crow.

    *When I hear parents go through the process of playing their role of parent to their child--instead of experiencing and dumping raw emotion on their child--I know that that parent has their child's best interests in mind.

    The healthy parent first figures out their emotional reactions on their own, separate from their child. When they're through with processing of their own internal energies, and they're ready to play the role of parent with their child, they jump in and play the role: the child gets the exposure they need to learn the lesson, but it's from a place where there's no raw, parental emotion attached.

    In their role as parent, it can literally be an act--they can go through the motions, the actions needed to get the child to experience their real feelings about a situation, while their parents act the part so the child "can" have the benefit of experiencing what needs to be experienced for this time and this lesson. It's simple, but complex.

    A parent "lightning up" on their kids is the parent doing their self-work on themselves, in private, without the child around. It's not for the child.

    The child's lesson is for the child. Healthy parents know that, and they deliver the child's lessons in child-sized doses.

    Warm regards,