Wednesday, November 4, 2009

My life as a psychic

There have been a couple of times. Moments when I thought I knew something ahead of time. Times when I just plain knew things.

On the Friday before a Monday birthday, I went for a haircut, to the expensive place, for a treat. Saw the same guy I'd seen a couple of times before. While he was washing my hair, I thought to myself: He's going to ask me what I'm doing this weekend. And I'll say: Well, Monday is my birthday, so I'm celebrating. And he'll say: Mine too!

And that is exactly the conversation that happened. Truly. Then I tried to tell him that I had totally known the conversation was going to happen and he sort of gave me the tamped-down rolling of the eyes which said quite clearly he thought I was off my rocker but he still wanted my tip. Turns out we are born on the same day and in the same year. There's probably some statistic about how rare that is or isn't. I know it isn't strange to think during a hair wash that the beautician is going to ask about your weekend. What is strange is the rest of it. And the fact that it was true. Word for word.

When I became pregnant after a year of trying, I knew it was twins. Now, I thought to myself, well, that's probably wishful thinking. It took a long time to convince my husband to have a child and I was 39. Of course I was going to assume that I got 2 for 1. I did tell my sister about my feeling. She said something along the lines of: well, most pregnant women have that thought. So that must be it, right? Hardly anyone knew I was pregnant. When I told my sister-in-law that my pants were already getting tight she said: not already! not possible! I did not tell my husband because he was agitated enough just thinking about one. And probably it was just me being crazy with hormones, right?

Nevertheless, on the day of my first pre-natal appointment, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that this was when I would get to see 'them.' This is when everyone else would know that I was carrying twins. And sure enough, there I am on the table with the ultrasound wand all up in there and the doctor says: Hey! Look at that! I think: There they are. My husband thinks: are those eyes? chambers of the heart? why are there two.....?

I also knew that they would be fine. I felt no need to do an amnio or any testing beyond the normal bazillion ultrasounds you get with twins. I was completely confident. And they were and are perfect. I had absolutely no intuition about their gender!

I got pregnant a second time. Immediately I felt anxious about this baby and found myself frequently having panicky moments. All I could say to explain myself was that I was worried about the baby. My husband thought it was just because the pregnancy was unplanned. Maybe. But I really wanted the baby, I was just convinced something was wrong. He would say: relax. Just think about that beautiful baby nursing after it is born. And I would burst into tears. Pregnancy hormones, right?

Had to do the amnio on this one. When we went for the procedure the baby was moving around a lot and I started to feel hopeful. Maybe my anxiety was just out of hand. I watched the baby turn and clench a fist, saw the heart beat, held my husband's hand and cried again, but tried to feel hopeful.

At 2 weeks post-test, the day I thought we'd hear the results, I woke up and heard in my head: Unfortunately this is one of those times when we have bad news.

I shook it off. It was the second birthday of my sons. I was 20 weeks pregnant and not as tired as I had been, but still not quite up to the energy level of two 2-year-olds. I was in maternity clothes. I decided to go crazy and have some caffeine that day. I had just brewed some black tea when the phone rang. Hello?

"Unfortunately this is one of those times when we have bad news."

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